Memorabilia

By the time you read this, I will be long gone... 

I have wanted to write about many things, but it has never worked out quite the way I wanted it to. No matter how hard I've tried I've never been able to put my mind onto paper and feel satisfied with the outcome. Then a while ago I had an idea- In order to write about something I've made up, I should first start from myself. This is my best attempt on telling you how my life has "panned out" so far. People who might not want to know what I think and feel shan't read any further for their own sake. I'm afraid it's not very up-beat at some parts.

Way before I was me

Like many others, I too used to be young. I was cheerful, loud and an overall funny child, but overall I was told I was smart. In the midst of my companions I always got the most praise from the scholars and because of it I was teased and bullied. Every time I felt good about some silly achievement of mine it ended fast as the jealous children called me names and laughed at me. There wasn't much to laugh about, but unfortunately I wasn't in the best shape, so gravity pulled me a bit harder than others. I learnt to stand up for myself when I had fight the bigger boys in a back alley with red houses. I was never in the mood for giving up and believed the idiotic stories that told us how you can't lose, if you never give up. I am glad I got away from that less than perfect house of studies.

Out on the field

It was around the time I was about to walk away from the old house of studies, when I was offered some fieldwork. I wasn't the same goofy kid anymore. By then the joy and laughter had been taken from me and all that was left was the cold and calculative shell of a young man with a spark of positiveness hidden deep within. It was in the end of the summer when we were shipped out to a different part of the country. It was me and a lot of strangers, who decided to take the challenge and step up in the name of science. After going through the process of signing in we were sent to small cabins in the middle of the forest- To me it was cabin nr. 6. I met quite a lot of new people there, such as my future best friend and a rastafarian, who wore a top hat and had a band-aid right across his nose. After a lot of chinwag and no small amount of bonding on a deeper mental level he decided to reveal the secret of the band-aid to the inhabitants of cabin nr.6. He told us how he could say that his nose was smashed in a bar fight or something like that, but in actuality it was just a clever conversation-starter and nothing more. The most most important person for the purposes of this story was of course Hail and her pet giraffe. Back then she had brown hair and she wore her glasses regularly. I liked her a lot- Mostly because she was the first girl I ever met, who was truly one of our kind, one of my kind.

The Academy and Fate

By then The Academy had become the second best educational facility in the country, but no one cared, because everyone in The Academy knew just perfectly that it was the right place to be.

I got an interview both in The Academy and another, a bit less prestigious house of learning.  The latter accepted me immediately and for a time I actually believed I'd end up there, but as the winds changed, so did my future. Hail, the girl I worked with on the Outskirts, was already an Academic and showed me around the labyrinthine buildings of The Academy on the day of my interview there. I was asked questions as they measured my from head to toe with their eerie sights, but somehow I made it through. Right after I met Hail in the great hall again, where the greatest events of my life started taking shape. The girl introduced me to her classmates and that's where I saw her. She was different. She was shining happiness everywhere and I was stunned. I never would've believed that a girl like that would come to talk to me and yet she did. I was wearing black and red and yet she was dressed in all the colours of the rainbow. But her eyes were different. Her eyes reminded me of the moon. This glowing grey that you might only see in the eyes of ravens or wolves. I was overwhelmed. And that's how I met her- Fate.

Endless us

It started with letters and playful banter and sometimes even deeper feelings- both negative and positive. She let me know that she wanted me in her life more. She wanted me to mean more to her, to be more. And I panicked of course for I had never experienced this. To commit and tie yourself with someone in a meaningful bond- It was uncomfortable and new. I'm afraid those days were hard for Fate, because I wasn't sure if I wanted it as badly as she did, but she never gave up. She was like that- fierce and unyielding, somewhat wild to me. I always saw her as incredibly intelligent and yet I knew she was a slave to her feelings about people and about herself. I wanted to help her, I felt the connection between us and I took the leap.

We took walks and dined out and we felt unsure at first, but shortly it got better and better and felt more right than anything else before it. We were happy together- at least I remember it so.

We made gifts to each other on birthdays and we were together during breaks in The Academy. Our life seemed amazing and we learnt to live with each other and love the meaning of us more by the day. The Academy had a lot of traditions and the most spectacular of them all was the Annual Academy Ball. We were going to take part of it and naturally we started planning our costumes and the whole evening. It was perfect, but little before the ball Fate told me that she was offered a trip to visit The Venice of the North. The date clashed with the ball and I felt slightly betrayed, but I realized fast that this kind of opportunities are rare, so I was happy to let her go. We made a deal that next year we'd surely go and it would be even more amazing for it was a jubilee ball and would take place in the magnificent Gala Building instead of The Academy ballroom. On the ball night I decided to stay home, because it wouldn't be the same without her and I would just miss her the whole night. She returned and brought me a colorful pair of socks as a gift. I was happy again and so was she. On The Academy holidays we spent time at the countryside, where we went swimming, while looking up at the stars and cooked together and spent time planning the future. We said that it would never end...

The End

As you might've already guessed, it didn't last forever. We were together for a year and a half until she stopped talking to me and wouldn't even look me in the eye in The Academy. I didn't understand, I felt hurt, I felt betrayed. After some time I managed to learn that she had taken a liking to another. Someone, who wasn't me, someone, who she wouldn't have to commit to. That was the point where it ended. It was cowardly of her and it broke my heart over and over again when I thought of it, but the most painful feeling of all was when I understood her. I looked in the mirror and saw something repulsive staring back at me. I didn't stand the sight of the man, who couldn't keep the relationship with the love of his life. The greatest failure in my life as I had always succeeded in everything I had set my mind on, but not this time... This time I was destroyed.

Look Down, Look Down, You're Standing in Your Grave

The Academy psychologist was a great and intelligent person. She understood me well and it came out that I had done all of the right steps to heal my "broken heart". She said that I was my own therapist. At first it was hard to believe, but soon I realized that  through writing a song and painting, learning to fight better and taking more responsibilities in The Academy, I was mending myself faster than I thought possible. It took me mere weeks until I felt I was could move on. Strangely she took it harder- she never seemed to look at me and if we'd ever get together in the same room, she flinched and pulled away from me. I thought it might've been guilt, but later it came out that she felt no remorse what so ever. It made me slightly mad for she was happy with other people and she got what she wanted after all- She got her freedom, so why all the drama? I managed to get her to come to a café with me and talk about us. She said she didn't love me and I was feeling fine with it, but she also said that whenever we're near each other it feels like we're together and that she didn't want that. It was somewhat weird for she could just go to the man she liked and do whatever her heart wanted, but she decided to pour her hate towards my whole being as if I had some kind of an infectious disease. I felt like a serious problem and I couldn't figure out how to solve it for her in any other way than a short drop and a sudden stop. I didn't go through with it at that time, because was smart enough not to go through with it or perhaps I was scared to cause more pain to others, but it was a good thing either way.

Revelations and forgiveness

With the help of the psychologist and not a small amount of pondering upon the most serious period of my life so far, I realized that it was never meant to be. Not like this. I was ready for something deeper, something more steady than any of the relationships that Fate was comfortable with. I was the longest of many of her relationships and it was my first. That's how on one evening I saw the truth- Although she was a year older than me, she was too young at mind and heart. In other words I needed something real instead of being the subject of a silly experimental fling of a narcissistic girl, who wouldn't want to grow up yet. I'm not saying that a relationship should be boring or void of energy, because everything childish and adorable seemingly goes with the heart of a beautiful relationship, but one should not take it loosely and throw it around as carelessly as a child would. 

After some time, we sent some messages to each other and surprisingly she apologized for putting me through all the uncomfortable... hell and I saw something that made me happier than ever. I saw progress, I saw that she wasn't self-obsessed even for a moment and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe the next man falling for Fate will not get his heart broken this way. I say this, because there are easier and more humane ways of breaking a man's heart. Of course it is meant as a somewhat twisted joke, with a small spark of truth in it. I have a feeling that it will get much easier for Fate to talk to me as she might one day see that I am not mad at her. In fact I feel some gratitude for making me think about what I want and how I act in moments of despair. I hope no other kinds of  unfortunate coincidences reveal themselves as the The Great Ball grows nearer- I have decided to act and not sulk in my memories any longer, so I've asked Hail to go to the dance with me. I predict that a lot of happiness and fun will be drawn from the evening. 

I feel new- better, stronger and having seen the true meaning of love, will never be fooled again this way. I thought I don't want to go through the pain of love again, but it seems there's many kinds of love and none of them are the same. 

...and as I lie in the ashes of the past, I will rise again.