It has been more or less exactly 8 months since I've been here (give or take a few hours) and I've explored several dark areas on the map- Needless to say I've gone through a lot. I feel liberated and cheerful, but at a great cost. It has turned my mind on it's side and the once calm and logical mind is now shifting into a different, delightfully twisted one.
"Why villainy?" you might ask. I came across something more brilliant and beautiful than ever today and it was, I dare say, a masterpiece of villainy. How a person takes up a conversation, simple and peaceful and just at the moment you believe it's all good they hit you with: "I don't even know why I started talking to you..." It is heartwarming and breaking at the same time, but that of course is the proof of true art.
I wrote a story a few days ago just like I used to. It wasn't new, it had pieces of the original and it all was smoothed a bit and left without an ending. I had meant it to have a horribly twisted finish, but I've become attached to the idea of happy endings although there seem to be none in reality. And that is how I believe a truly great villain can be created.
More than ever before I understand how a man can turn mad through the turns of life. How love can take you, chew you and spit you out as someone completely different. "It's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all." I doubted in the trustworthiness of this sentence before, but I finally see the meaning clearly. It's not about love, it's about becoming a better person through destruction. You get shattered completely, but after you've built yourself back up you turn stronger and better in every way.
The exact way I feel is quite a complicated, dreamy, smooth mixture. There's some Frank Sinatra's sweet sorrow in it, a sprinkle of Benny Goodman, a pinch of Hannibal Lecter's charismatic views and the soft ringing of Edith Piaf's "Non je ne regrette rien".
No, I regret nothing. Being a villain is not a shame given that you view a true villain the way I do. The orderly chaos in a genius mind, the genius mind in a delightful body and the delightful body in a classy suit. Be it a suit of armor or Italian silk, the brilliance and kind look prevails over the best intents.
Things are going to change. Nothing will be the same. How about that cup of tea now?
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